CML
Contributor
“THE BUCK MULLIGAN STOPS HERE.”
Come take my hand, you should know me,
I've always been in your mind
You know I will be kind,
I'll be guiding you
Building your dream has to start now,
There's no other road to take
You won't make a mistake,
I'll be guiding you.
Keep. You shouldn't be so quick to throw this hand under the bus! What did it ever do to you, embezzle your entire inventory of Bonfires?
Keep. On one hand, there are a lot of arguments for throwing away this hand. On the other hand, there are also a lot of arguments for fascism, veganism and playing Commander.
Keep. Did you know that there are fifty-five cards in Magic history with "keep" in the name, but zero with "mulligan"?
Keep. Your deck sucks! Did you seriously think you were going to do better?
Keep. Why the fuck would you ever mulligan this?
Keep. You might be able to afford Legacy, but they don’t call it Mulliganing Down to the Kardashians!
Keep. When you tank, people think you have a hard decision. Ha! Idiots. It is very important to balance your “wasting time before the game even starts” range with nutty hands like this, so you can make sure to win the few games you finish before time.
Keep. There's no free mulliganing in real Magic!
Keep. Just keep. Keep. It. Simple. No further explanation required. What did you expect, another 800 words of Mike Flores and Josh Ravitz jerking each other off?
Keep. I saw Jon Finkel do it!
Keep. He probably won't have Stromkirk Noble into Ash Zealot, and if he does, there's always game two!
Keep. Maybe that Junk Reanimator player kept a slow one!
Keep. Unless you just won game 1 with two minutes left on the clock, mulliganing will give you a worse chance of winning the match.
Keep. You're not StarCityGames and this isn't Lauren Lee, so there's little point in dumping it.
Keep. This isn't mini-golf with an ostensible ex-athlete! Mulligans are for bitches. Mark that extra stroke on your scorecard; the PGA takes fraud very seriously.
Keep. You're playing Magic Online, so it's unrealistic to expect anyone else's hand appearing anytime soon. Just play your own.
Keep. Yeah, it sucks, but going to six is statistically terrible.
Keep. Wait, I thought you were on the play.
Keep. If it's a bigger event, it's worth the risk of a judge finding out, and if it's a smaller one, nobody will ever know!
Keep. A Bird in the hand is worth two in the bush!
Keep. Errrr … uh, yep, I said it already. Jesus, just go ahead …
Keep. You can't pitch this! If it doesn't work out, you can hit the bar and find a woman sympathetic to your bad-beat story. Emotional decisions are for people who already work at Wizards.
Keep, but since this is game 1, be prepared to scoop without explanation if they lead with Gitaxian Probe.
Keep. One time, I spent an afternoon in front of the computer doing something I called "The Hand Series," but it was still less masturbatory than the average Magic article.
Keep. Compared to getting mana-screwed, mulliganing into oblivion is a lousy excuse for losing.
Keep. You never know when your collection might get stolen! Enjoy it while you can.
Keep. The philosophy of fire says: keep firing assholes! Just kidding. I support Magic Online and everyone that works on it.
Keep. Characters with the surname “Mulligan” appear in both Ulysses and Atlas Shrugged, both of which are as unreadable as a Zac Hill splooge session or a Todd Anderson attempt at “emotion.”
Keep. Wait to unload these cards until after the tournament!
Keep. I wouldn't feel comfortable releasing this grip, because then my children might not be able to afford college.
Keep. Sure, it needs a little help to get there, but there's no shame in asking for that in this economy.
Keep. This hand has no plan, but no plan is better than the plan of mulliganing.
Keep. The Lifebane Zombie may belong to your last opponent, but this is otherwise a perfect six.
Keep. Abortions are increasingly hard to get these days, and you can always give it up for adoption if you later decide you don’t want it.
Keep. An essential part of capitalism is enforcement of property, and keeping this hand is laying claim to an inalienable right.
Lands and spells. Keep!
