The holiday season might be the worst. I mean, unless you’re a small child; then the months of November through January are the best. You have no school, no work, and there’s snow everywhere. At the ages of 7-10, the average day for me on those months was either: // I'm going to try and write with a vernacular jocularity because I learned how to be engaging and have a "voice" in creative writing classes, which also taught me to talk about myself when I have nothing else to talk about.
New Year’s resolutions really make a lot much sense as an institution because by the time you’ve made it out of the holidays alive, you’ve gained fifty pounds. While this is a great coping mechanism, that still doesn’t stop you from wanting to die. If only.
With this in mind, I’ve set up some handy Magical resolutions for myself for next year. I mean, I didn’t go on any benders this year, but it’s always good to have a plan. Because my prose is, like a gibbering Dostoyevsky, roughly one-half qualifiers, I realize that it is awful, but because I realize it is awful, it is no longer awful and you cannot criticize me for saying "I mean" and "basically" ad nauseam to buy me time, as if this were a conversation between us at a demented family Christmas dinner, before unleashing epic platitudes that make you want to go talk to our Downie uncle instead.
There are a sickening number of Magic articles published about how to get better at the game. Naturally, they are written by someone wholly unqualified to do so, purely as a way to churn out some content so that they can keep grinding store credit for whatever site is gracious enough to allow them to do so. See? No harsher critic.
With that in mind, here are some of my screw-ups from last season’s Theros Sealed PTQs, in the hopes that putting them out into the world will keep me from committing too many more blunders and thus be forced to post them on the internet. Aren't you interested in me and my self-awareness? I am a seducer on the order of Casanova, the Marquis de Sade, and Kibler.
This is a big one for me, if you’ll allow me to toot my own horn here for a minute. Every other month or so, I will get a message on Twitter asking if I still write. This is more than fair—coming off of 52 FNMs, a weekly column in which the article went up every Friday whether it was ready or not, I wrote a whopping 23 articles in 2013, and for some reason, it feels like I wrote even less than that. It may have something to do with the fifteen minutes I spent grunting this yule log out. By the way, did I mention that I play FNM every week? It may not be the heyday of CFB with Magic TV, the fat Canadian converting Bonfires into igloos, and Woo's cult of personality ascending faster than Kim Jong Un, but damned if they don't look up to me there.
For the near future, at least, I’ll probably be discussing a lot of Standard, the PTQ grind, and the life of a grinder. And when I say grinder I do mean the sandwich. Put me in and get shit out -- too bad I'm less consumable and perishable, huh?