Rogue Legacy Review: A Skill Grind

By: Jason Waddell

I don’t have time for bullshit.

Games with superfluous filler to be disrespectful to me, the player. It didn’t used to be this way. Back in the day you found yourself in World 1 – 1 and ran to the right, and didn’t stop running. The industry has changed. 22 years after the release of Super Mario Bros. came Super Paper Mario, a game that effectively served as a bad marriage simulator: packed to the brim with vacuous dialogue and errands, and mostly devoid of action.

Thankfully, there’s one genre I can always count on to treat my time with the respect it deserves: roguelikes. For the unaware, the defining feature of a roguelike game is that the player is given only a single life. Lose it, and all progress is lost. Back to square one. Life after life, you gain literal experience: you learn more about the game’s systems, its tricks, and gradually you gain the skill to make deeper and deeper inroads into a game’s (typically) fiendishly-difficult dungeons.

rogueLegacy1

Roguelike’s come in all shapes and sizes, and Rogue Legacy combines the typical roguelike construct (one life to live) with Metroidvania-style gameplay: platform based castle exploration. However, Rogue Legacy shakes up the formula with one very pivotal alteration: when you die, you don’t actually lose everything. After each life, you can spend whatever hard-earned coins you collected to purchase upgrades that will permanently affect all future heroes you send into the dungeon.

rogueLegacyUpgrades

To reenter the castle, you must sacrifice all (or, after some upgrades, nearly all) of your gold to the castle’s Gatekeeper.

rogueLegacyCharon

The result is that you must acquire a minimum threshold of gold during a run for that run to be of any use. If I need a 1200 coin upgrade, a run that yields 800 coins will be all for naught, as I have to surrender those coins to the gatekeeper before reentering the castle. Naturally, the upgrades become increasingly expensive, requiring increasingly successful runs to continue your purchasing progression.

Eventually you’ll encounter one of the castle’s five bosses…

rogueLegacyBoss

…and you’ll get shitwrecked.

Your stats aren’t there. Bob and weave all you like, the bosses’ damage output will simply outclass yours. True, you may need more skill (and you will quite noticeably improve), but mostly you need more time. You need to grind. After the game’s honeymoon phase wears off (for me, somewhere around the 7 or 8 hour mark), you’ll start to see the grind for what it is. Each life becomes less about exploration and discovery, and more about putting in the time required to earn sufficient upgrades.

At their best, roguelikes offer an unparalleled emotional thrill. Runs of Binding of Isaac have me tensely teetering on the edge of my seat while holding on to that last life point. They capture my emotions, leave lasting impressions.

Runs of Rogue Legacy bleed into one another, and have me looking at my watch. Ultimately no single run is all that meaningful or emotionally satisfying. Just another stamp on the time sheet. Although skill affects the efficiency of your grind, the fundamental nature of the activity doesn’t change. It’s still a grind.

It’s a shame, because the game does a lot of things well. The gameplay is tight and skill-testing, and maneuvering your character is truly a joy once air dashes and double-jumps enter the mix.

Rogue Legacy does many things well, but leaves me yearning for a game where skill, not time, is the primary currency.

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We need to talk about the Crush

We need to talk about the Crush: A Candy Crush Saga Review

by: Jason Waddell

My untested mental image of obscenely popular freemium Facebook games is intrinsically linked with the consumer exploitation: addictive systems with restrictive content access mechanics and a pay-to-progress business model. Creating an addicting progressed-based experience is relatively trivial in the gaming world. Even the game Cookie Clicker, whose sole mechanics include clicking on a digital cookie and purchasing items, has managed to get its addictive hooks into even the savviest of gamers, but is thankfully truly free to play.

Not so with Candy Crush Saga. Countless ink has already been spilled on the supposed evils of Candy Crush and its infamous Facebook predecessor, Farmville. Like its predecessor, I had been content to ignore Candy Crush Saga entirely. That is, until a coworker with respectable taste in games recommended it to me. We’ve played games like Set, Hive and Starcraft II together, and he’s far too busy to make time in his life for shallow time-wasting fluff.

With my curiosity piqued, I decided to discover first-hand what all the hype was about.

Gameplay

Match-three style games have never been my forte. I first discovered Bejeweled as a way to pass the time in a high-school computer science course, but found the gameplay rather shallow and unsatisfying. I’ll stick to Tetris on the TI-83, thank you very much. Years later I gave the genre another look based on Penny-Arcade’s Puzzle Quest recommendation, but even with a layer of RPG mechanics slapped on top, the gameplay soon became repetitive and tedious.

Candy Crush’s gameplay surpasses both of these.

Firstly, Candy Crush is surprisingly tactical. Rather than simply reward the player with extra points for combining four or more candies together, the combined candies leave behind one of four different special candies based on how the original candies were combined (a horizontally striped candy, a vertically striped candy, a wrapped candy or a color bomb).

candyCrushCombinations

When removed from the board, each of these special candies unleashes a unique but precise pattern of destruction on the board. Further, combining two special candies causes a devastating display. Progressing in Candy Crush requires skillfully and tactically setting up special candy effects to achieve each stage’s objective.

Secondly, with few exceptions, Candy Crush levels are restricted in the number of moves that they allot to the player, as opposed to a time-based restriction like the ones used in Bejeweled. This change fundamentally overhauls the experience. Bejeweled was a test of how well I could maintain my peripheral vision over the board while frantically executing matches. Candy Crush allows me to lay in bed and mentally mull over each move and its consequences at a relaxed pace.

Combined with the tactical play and we have the formula for an extremely satisfying experience. Although the game is wrapped from head-to-toe with colorful child-friendly graphics, the underlying gameplay engine is exceptionally skill-testing. Going deep into the tank to find a sequence of plays that completes the stage before your supply of moves runs dry can be a genuine rush, and taps into the same emotional feedback that hallmarks the best board games and card games.

candyBombs

Lastly, in addition to the core special candy mechanics, the game designers at King have packed the levels with interesting mechanics and obstacles: bombs that will end the level if not cleared within a certain number of moves, squares that must be unlocked by making matches in adjacent spaces, restrictive chocolate that slowly spreads over the level like Zerg creep, and so on. Beyond adding difficulty, these mechanics serve to keep the gameplay fresh and force the player to prioritize their actions differently from stage to stage.

As far as pure gameplay goes, Candy Crush passes with flying colors. I’ve never considered myself a fan of the genre, but the game’s designers have packed Candy Crush with innovative and intelligently designed systems that can keep even the most hardcore gamer satisfied. Of course, the age of evaluating games purely by their gameplay is rapidly disappearing. Free-to-pay games, however fun, are intrinsically linked to their monetization models.

Monetization

On the surface, Candy Crush is well and truly free to play. There is no download cost, and so thus far it has been fully possible to progress through the game without ever paying a cent. In two-weeks I have beaten 160 levels without once paying money to beat a stage. But that doesn’t mean that people aren’t paying. According to a ThinkGaming analysis, at the time of writing, Candy Crush is hauling in an estimated $850,000 in revenue per day. Regardless of the precision of that estimate, it seems apparent that consumers are paying in droves to get their fix.

The game itself is constantly poking and prodding the player to spend money. Let’s count the ways.

0) Difficulty Spikes (and luck-based levels)

Although not strictly a monetization scheme, Candy Crush’s inconsistent difficulty curve is the bedrock that enables all of the other methods. Every handful of levels the player will face a stage that is considerably harder than the ones that precede or follow it. This is obviously devious but also a little clever from the psychological perspective. Candy Crush is generally fun, and after a really hard level the player is rewarded with a series of entertaining and satisfying levels. Several times I have been stuck on a level for a dozen attempts, finally beaten it, then proceeded to clear the following five levels without losing a single life.

If the game only got harder, players would give once the game’s difficulty surpassed their skill level. But with these difficulty spikes, the promise of fun is always just one level away. Perhaps, in a bout of frustration, you’ll plop down some cash to increase your odds of progressing past this level. And if you do, you may even feel good about it. Look at all these fun levels you get to play now! This pattern is baked into the level progression, and soon enough it becomes readily apparent which ones are the “hard ones” and which are not. That’s fine, but my biggest gripe comes with the fact that progressing past some levels has very little to do with skill and a lot to do with luck.

awfulCrush

Some levels, like the level above, have restricted board space, and offer the player little in the way of meaningful choices. Here we see the starting configuration for a level that only has one possible move, occurring in an irrelevant corner of the board. On this level, often my first dozen or so moves offered no real choices, and winning required getting a fortune opening from the Random Number Generator.

Make no mistake, there was still skill involved eventually, but whether the level was even viable or not felt like taking pulls from a slot machine. Eventually you will get lucky, but the grind can feel pointless and frustrating.

1) Limited number of lives

The player is given a maximum of five lives. Every time you lose a level you lose a life, and lives are gained naturally every 30 minutes. If you’ve been away for at least two and a half hours, you’ll come back to a full set of lives. Personally, I like this mechanic because it forces me to make the most out of each level attempt and places some weight, however trivial, on the gameplay. Aside from rogue-likes, single-player games often struggle to create meaningful failure states, as you can often just reload from the last checkpoint and have another go. Restricting my number of allowed attempts forces me to take things more seriously, and makes the victories seem somehow more meaningful.

Secondly, it provides a natural limit that tells me to stop playing and go do something else. I will never pay for lives, and certainly don’t want to spend all day crushing candy. Running out of lives provides the gentle push to get off my rear and do something worthwhile with my time.

For those who don’t want to wait, however…

candyCrushLives

2) Limited number of moves

Although each level technically has a fixed move limit, the limit can be negotiated at any time by greasing some palms. As soon as you start to run low on moves, Candy Crush will pop up the following gentle reminder in the corner of the screen:

candyExtraMoves

Perhaps the most impressive part is just how well calibrated Candy Crush’s levels are. I can’t count the number of times I’ve lost a stage when sitting one move away from victory. Even more devious is the fact that, on stages where extra moves can be purchased, the screen will hover for a full second on the board after defeat to let the player see just how close they were. “Two more moves and I can get there!”. For losses where moves can’t be purchased, such as losing to a bomb detonating, the player is immediately whisked away to the defeat screen.

3) Extra Items

Stuck in a jam that extra moves won’t fix? Visit the Yeti Shop at any time to buy your way out of it.

hammerTime

4) Crossing Bridges

After every fifteen levels or so, you will encounter a bridge that restricts further access to the game. To cross it, you can either pay 3 Facebook credits ($0.30 total), or pester friends until three of them give you a ticket to cross.

candyCrushBridge

This is the only monetization scheme I have supported. I don’t mind paying for content, and certainly don’t want to pester friends and relatives and panhandling for dimes. Mobile users have the additional option of completing special challenge stages to cross the bridges in lieu of payment. Thus far I have crossed about ten bridges, racking up a $3.00 tab. This feels like a reasonable rate to me, and the transaction doesn’t compromise the integrity of the skill-based gameplay.

The Geometry Wars Effect

If you play Candy Crush on Facebook, you’ll soon discover that you’re not the only one. Your aunt from New York? The loser who always tried to copy your Chemistry homework in high school? You’re old flames? They’re all on there, and the game constantly checks in to show you how you rank against your friends on each level and in the game as a whole. Chemistry cheater made it to level 120? You can beat that moron. Well, maybe. If you could just get past level 79. Maybe you could use a Lollipop Hammer after all..

Best of all, there’s no way to tell if your Facebook friends shelled out cash to beat the preceding levels. You may have your suspicions about the homework hustler, but Candy Crush doesn’t kiss and tell. So if you decide to Paypal your way through the next stage, your friends will be none-the-wiser.

Conclusion

Candy Crush Saga is a highly polished product with legitimate gameplay merit that is coated and dripping with monetization hooks. The game is as free as you want it to be, so long as you possess the discipline and emotional fortitude to resist its addictive elements and block out the pay-to-win temptations. If you don’t have those qualities, consider Gizmodo writer Ashley Feinberg’s story of spending $236 on Candy Crush in one month to be a cautionary tale.

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Top 8 Worst Draft Formats of All Time

In Honor of Magic 2014: The Eight Worst Draft Formats of All Time

by: CML

 

Who’s for the Game?

Here’s a sobering idea: With the rise of New World Order, the Modern Magic card, for the most part, is designed with either Limited or Constructed in mind.

This neat dichotomy fails to explain away cards like Savageborn Hydra, Hoard-Smelter Dragon, or Pack Rat, which exist solely to ruin games of Limited and depress the cracker of prize packs. It also doesn’t account for smash hits like Hindervines, Restore the Peace, or Showstopper, which depress the cracker of drafting packs.

Staff of the Sun Magus
M14’s weakness as a draft environment is at least partially due to a raging Staff infection.”

So things aren’t quite that bad. They’re worse! Sets like Modern Masters come out, and the draft aficionado wonders why the other sets aren’t as good as Modern Masters, and Modern Masters isn’t as good as it could be.

Savageborn Hydra
In the event of Constructed, I’m a hostage.”

 

Abolish the Draft

Take heart, though! It used to be that nobody drafted anything, ever. The lack of Limited in Magic’s early history severely worsened its development. Think of it this way: what are ninety percent of commons doing in every set, except as draft fodder?

Balduvian Shaman
I could design worse when I was seven.”

 

So drafting was born. Mirage-Visions-Weatherlight was the first block you could actually draft, but Invasion-Planeshift-Apocalypse was the first block where Limited was directing the design — the first Cube, if you will. Some claim Limited begins with MVW, others with IPA — in the interests of not running out of terrible draft environments, I’m going to start with MVW and work my way down the list.

 

8. Old core sets

I imagine these drafts were as often dodged as those for Vietnam, but maybe (as in Israel or South Korea) there was no way of avoiding them. These sets were absolutely massive — up to 449 cards in Fifth Edition, which we looked down upon, as spoiled children — and filled with unplayable cards; your chances of cracking a Birds of Paradise in one of those fin-de-siècle boxes was about as bad as that of getting a Liliana in a box of Innistrad.

Redeeming aspect: With all those white-bordered lands running around, you could just grab a stack and ghetto out your Constructed deck of choice. If you drafted Alpha, there was some chance of getting value.

Cube lesson: Cut cards like Vizzerdrix.

 

7. Lorwyn block

Drafting tribal is about as uninteresting as you’d expect. You were screwed if you didn’t get a tribe, not all the tribes were good, and the curve was often surprisingly high.

Redeeming aspect: A surfeit of activated abilities repelled new players, leading to the worst commercial downswing in Magic history.

Cube lesson: Tribal(ism) is the cancer of Africa.

 

6. Magic 2012

Basically Magic 2014 without much removal. Once, I won a draft with only three card types. Aggro is supported here, though, which is more than I can say for the Modo Cube.

Redeeming aspect: During summer 2011, I was forced to find something else to do with my Friday nights.

Cube lesson: Go easy on the enchantments.

 

5. Scars of Mirrodin block

I’ll choose to draw.”

Yep, sounds good, I’m about ready to do something else with my evening.”

No, I’ll be on the draw.”

Redeeming aspect: The storyline makes it more likely that Wizards will print Komeback to Kamigawa before Scars of Mirrodin Redux: The Second (Psychic) Surgery. Also: Glistening Oil, fracking, etc.

Cube lesson: Heed the Poison Principle; support aggressive decks; cut Swords.

 

4. Magic 2014

While games of M12 were like ripping off a band-aid, games of M14 are the slow and exquisite torture of being digested by a self-satisfied Blue mage or Sarlacc. You’d think they’d’ve learned from their design mistakes …

Redeeming aspect: … even if they didn’t, you can learn!

Cube lesson: Vary and limit your removal; support aggressive decks.

 

3. Masques block

Back in the 20th century (my younger readers will find this hard to believe) card shops were even worse than they are now. Their interiors were dirty, their locations remote, their life-spans the stuff of Rousseau or Sierra Leone, their proprietors hucksters of a Jerry-Lundegaard variety. I was 11 years old when Masques came out, and not even I would buy much of it. Underpowered? Check. Tribal? Check. Bad color balance? Check.

Redeeming aspect: Misdirection has cool art?

Cube lesson: Do everything differently.

 

2. Urza’s block

Before there was Blue in M14, there was Black in Urza’s-block draft.

Here are some Black commons: Pestilence, Befoul, Expunge, Duress

Here are some other commons: Monk Realist, Launch, Headlong Rush, Gaea’s Bounty

Redeeming aspect: Though billed as the “Enchantments Cycle,” Urza’s block was actually centered around the slightly less dumb card type of Artifact.

Cube lesson: Balance your colors; don’t lard your format with a terrible third set.

 

1. Avacyn Restored

More than enough ink has been spilled on AVR’s Limited suckage — I’ve never seen a format yield so easily to a simple mathematical analysis — but I’ll just say that if I wanted to play a format with awful color-balance and a high curve, yet such a steep power curve and lack of removal that the games ended within the frame of a few spells cast by each player, I’d play the Modo Cube.

Redeeming aspect: To be fair, the individual cards are by and large wonderful, but that makes AVR all the more disappointing — so it headlines the list!

Cube lesson: Design with people over the age of four in mind. (Ahem, Modo Cube.)

 

Thanks for reading!

CML

@CMLisawesome

Legacy Tournament Report

By: CML

There are many reasons Seattle is a great place to live — great food; the opportunity to hear WotC employees cry like overachieving schoolchildren when you beat them at unsanctioned events; a gender ratio that’s slightly better than a Yukon mining town; beautiful bodies (of water, views of which you can enjoy from your car while stuck in traffic) — but Mirkwood is my favorite time of year. For three months, I hole up at Card Kingdom like some library-bound bore and practice Legacy. I used to do this at another LGS, existing on Doritos, sleeping on sell-through Chronicles commons, defecating out the window, and sweating into the dehumidifier, but when Card Kingdom opened, I became classy. Now I eat grilled cheese at Café Mox, which offers every kind of pleasure except hard alcohol, televised sports, a discotheque, and another gender. Now I sleep on beds of digitized love-letters from OKCupid. Now I defecate on myself when I play Legacy. Now I sweat my friends when they’re in the top 8. Just kidding! After I lost round two, I drove back home. I hope the rest of my car found rides.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. We have an active Eternal scene here. The Legacy players look down upon the Modern players, and the Modern players look down upon themselves. Every Monday a group of grizzled regulars gathers in the windowless dungeon of Card Kingdom to play the format where winning a GP won’t buy you a deck. It’s a cesspit of mediocrity, but I mean this as a high compliment. Legacy is hard, and if you’re mediocre at it, you’ll have a huge edge on the field. “Winning the battle of mistakes” is a phrase that comes to mind.

That Monday I sleeved up a little something different than usual. Merfolk is often a good choice at Card Kingdom, since the field is full of people who think they’re smarter than everyone else and therefore can’t “spot the fish.” The UWR Delver list was giving me fits, though, so rather than be negative about it I decided to praise the gods for making tempo players too stupid to not include fringe playables like Swords to Plowshares, Stoneforge Mystic, and Grim Lavamancer, while relying on Green graveyard-based creatures that do nothing against cards nobody plays like Rest in Peace, instead. My sunny disposition wasn’t going to turn my fish into a playable deck, though, so I ordered something a little different. “Batman” is a new addition to our Legacy group who just graduated high school and somehow has all the Legacy staples ever. He’s sassy, he’s 18, and he’s rich. In other words, he’s perfect — except it’s a he. “Fish With Shroud” sounded like a good way to stop getting Plowed, so I sleeved up this:

MEATHOOKS

Lands (20)
Wasteland
Mutavault
Tundra
Tropical Island
Blue fetches / Windswept Heaths

Creatures (20)
Muscle Sliver
Sinew Sliver
Predatory Sliver
Crystalline Sliver
Galerider Sliver

Spells (20)
Force of Will
Brainstorm
Daze
Stifle
Swords to Plowshares
AEther Vial
Sideboard (15)
Force of Will
Cursed Totem
Spell Pierce
Harmonic Sliver
Life from the Loam
Rest in Peace
Relic of Progenitus
Thalia, Guardian of Thraben
Meddling Mage
Gaddock Teeg

The tournament started auspiciously, with a win against a balding loudmouth who uses Magic like Joyce used literature — as an escape from his failed medical studies. Between that and his choice of the stone-unplayable Miracles, this round was basically a bye. Meanwhile, a pudgy Asian man with a pretentious wrist brace was rubbing his nose like a Rick James whose dealer had run out of Claritin, and a suburbanite with a goatee was trying to convince himself Progenitus was good against a field of Terminus and Liliana. I lost a round to whatever, beat a Tezzerator deck, then lost another round to whatever. On Tuesday we tested at my house with Batman and a sleazy cable salesman, and though I won one game against Punishing Jund with a lone Galerider Sliver on the board, the deck sucked. It turns out basic Islands and abusing Standstill are a nice upside to certain Vial aggro strategies. Who knew? I tried UWR myself, but cantripping turned out to be too hard, because I am an imbecile.

We Pondered our options and Brainstormed easy deck ideas, but it wasn’t until Batman said “mono-Red” that the choice seemed Preordained:

MONO-RED COMBO ('Shooting the Moon')

Spells (41)
Emrakul, the Aeons Torn
Worldspine Wurm
Griselbrand
Inferno Titan
Simian Spirit Guide
Sneak Attack
Through the Breach
Pyromancy
Sensei's Divining Top
Blood Moon
Seething Song
Lotus Petal
Lands (19)
Mountain
Arid Mesa
Scalding Tarn
Sandstone Needle
Ancient Tomb
City of Traitors

Sideboard (15)
Trinisphere
Defense Grid
Pyroclasm
Chalice of the Void
Grafdigger's Cage
Red Elemental Blast

I brought the deck to Card Kingdom FNM, the best place to not play FNM and feel superior for playing Legacy and drinking seven-dollar craft pear ciders. My friend Aaron was there. I squashed his Shardless like a BUG, with Sneak Attack playing the part of Impromptu RAID. The next two days I pilloried Punishing Jund and tied with Miracles (again, unplayable, but if people didn’t play unplayable decks there would be no Legacy).

The morning of Mirkwood I woke up early — 10:40 — and drove my van-load of three up to Arlington. Arlington is a small town halfway to Canada; at least when I usually drive in that direction, there is the promise of frat parties or, past that, a new, barbarian country that feels like America in the nineties. The tournament site (“Mirkwood,” presumably after the title tournament — not sure where they came up with that one) was nice: with its ramshackle podium, heirloom instruments, delicious food, in-cel nerds, etc. it felt like the Seattle of my adolescence. I must give unironic props to Joe Bono and some other people for running a great event.

In round 1 I was paired against a random playing Death and Taxes. I’d seen him somewhere before, but I didn’t remember where — my best guess is Round 8 of April’s Legacy Open. His eyes were bloodshot from fatigue, and they turned even redder as I ruined Karakas with more annihilator triggers than Chavez. Death and Taxes: a socialist paradise indeed! Then some other stuff happened. Maybe I’ll splash Black for Dread of Night next time.

In round 2 I played Tim “OMGClayAkhen” Aten. After I showed in Sneak Attack and squished his Demon with a couple of Worldspine Wurms, he morosely remarked it was “the second game in a row [he]’d had turn-two Show and Tell and lost.” In game two I kept an opener of some spells and some lands that were Ancient Tombs. I spun the dreidel over and over again, but no Ararat would spring forth from my library. Meanwhile, Tim was discarding. There is nothing quite like going to four life off your dreidels and not finding the promised land, just another Tomb. It was in that moment that I understood the ordeal of Anne Frank. In game three I had the death wish, so I just lost to countermagic and Jace. Who the hell boards in Jace against mono-red? He can’t even survive after bouncing a Goblin Guide.

On the drive home, there was traffic near Everett, which pissed me off because nobody should live there. I then went to the soccer game, watched the Sounders win, and got called unmentionables by a joyless cow — it was nearly a perfect tournament; the only thing missing was a Portland Timbers career-starting injury. (Ha! Just a little Portland-unemployment joke for you.) It must have been weird to be a Portland fan at the Clink, it’s not like poetry slams attract crowds of 65,000. After that, I got kinda drunk with Aaron and his girlfriend and lamented my perpetual misfortune. Someone texted me that three of the Card-Kingdom suburbanites had made Top 4 (including the insufferable former med student), so I drank some more and forgot about it, until I was assured they hadn’t won, so I remembered it and typed it here. I would play Shooting the Moon again in a heartbeat, but Batman has already promised to build me Waterfalls. Cascade is a nice mountain range, and cataracts are clouding my Ancestral Vision. I predict it’ll be a good choice after Theros, too, since the last big set had only a marginal impact on Legacy. You might even be able to splash White for a pointless Enlightened Tutor package. If you do, play four Plateaus — they’re not gonna get any cheaper, though they might just rise for a bit, then level off.

Keep it dusty,
CML

Theros Previews: Thassa, Ember Swallower, and More!

Theros Previews: Thassa, God of the Sea; Ember Swallower; and More!
by: CML

After a long, hot, wet American summer, the too-long Standard season has changed into a better season — Theros spoiler season! Though I haven’t been this eager for a new set since I was a kid, there’s something about big sets that’s always exciting.

In recent years, Innistrad gave us cards like Snapcaster Mage, Delver of Secrets, Geist of Saint Traft, Past in Flames, and Liliana of the Veil, while Return to Ravnica produced Deathrite Shaman, Abrupt Decay, Sphinx’s Revelation, and shocklands halfway between the price point of “old Ravnica duals” and “old Ravnica duals presented by Xerox.”

Here’s why I like Theros so far:

  • The art is a beautiful departure from the fanboy-ish / pornographic photorealism that’s been the main style since Shards of Alara. Yes, bad art is a part of New World Order, too.
  • The card frames are about as good as it gets without, you know, returning to the old one.
  • It is possible that, come October, the new Legend rule will go from “irredeemably godawful” to “merely horrendous.”
  • Sword-and-sandal and sword-and-sorcery are sweet, but together? A veritable triumvirate. (Back-to-school special: your sexually repressed Latin teacher glossing over the ‘sword-and-sheath’ jokes that every Roman writer made a lot of.)
  • I guess the mechanics look fun, too. The incremental advantage from activated abilities makes me slaver like the arriviste reactionary I am. Even if Monstrous really is just a lame version of ROE’s Level Up, Devotion is just a lame version of Eventide’s Chroma, and the reminder text on Bestow has the legal rigor of the Zimmerman jury, it beats Slivers that look as human as Star Trek “aliens.”


“Live long and prosper — don’t be a Magic pro.”

Here’s why you should like Theros:


“Mad Kraken, yo.”

The Shipbreaker is probably too bad for Standard or a regular Cube, but he more than makes up for that in flavor. Pass the Caesar salad, and hold the crab-cracking implements, as he dies to removal just like any Cancrix or Hatchling.

Bident of Thassa - Theros Spoiler
“The Dude Abident.”

On the topic of salad tongs, the Bident seems OK — though the effect was first printed on Coastal Piracy, the new generation that likes stuff like “dudes” and “the combat step” will recognize it from Edric, Ruiner of EDH Games. Artifact and enchantment are two non-interactive card types that, paradoxically, make the Pitchfork easier to kill. I would also like to add that Thassa’s weapon is only two-thirds as cool as the Master of the Pearl Trident’s.


Thassa, God of the Sea 2U

Legendary Enchantment Creature -God M
Indestructible
As long as your devotion to blue is less than five, Thassa isn’t a creature. (Each U in the mana costs of permanents you control adds to your devotion to blue.)
At the beginning of your upkeep, scry 1.
1U: Target creature you control can’t be blocked this turn.
5/5

Cards like this are tough to evaluate, since one has to grasp for precedents, and even then those fail to tell the whole story. My guess is that Thassa isn’t great for Constructed or Cube, since the activated ability is expensive and the Scry 1 trigger is not Dark Confidant or Phyrexian Arena or even Dark Tutelage. I also think we may be underestimating how hard it is to get to five Blue, but pick up a copy and test her! There’s only one way to find out.


“Hungry? Why wait.”

I love Ember Swallower, but I wish they’d costed the Monstrosity activation at six instead. Cubes will not want a 4/5 for 2RR, though he does do a good job of blocking Hellrider, Hero of Oxid Ridge, and Hound of Griselbrand (the Game Triple H’s.)


“The Greeks have gotten less attractive with age — which the pederasts predicted.”

This is another tough card to evaluate. I think they’ll be played a little, but with aggro decks trending towards heavier creature counts and Boros Reckoner already in the three-slot, the potential may be limited. Cubers will enjoy targeting the happy couple with a Flame Jab or Rancor over and over again.


“Satyriasis in men, nymphomania in women …”

The satyr could be abusable, though unlike Burning-Tree Emissary, Lotus Cobra and Priest of Urabrask, he doesn’t leave behind a body (Snapcaster Mage teaches us how potent a 2/1 can be). Also unlike BTE and the Priest, though, he ramps.


“Disco Demolition Night.”

If Smash to Smithereens is played in Legacy, Destructive Revelry can be too. This might be the best Constructed card spoiled so far. Cube curators will have to compare this to Hull Breach, Wear // Tear, Artifact Mutation, and Qasali Pridemage.


“Things have really come to a head.”

Polukranos is my favorite spoiler. The Monstrosity activation will draw comparisons to Bonfire of the Damned and Olivia Voldaren, as well as old-school dumb draft bomb Living Inferno, but Polukranos is much more interesting than those cards. Timing the instant-speed pump correctly will take a lot of judgment and finesse, and it’s nice that after the whole AVR hand-holding soul-bonding no-removal fiasco, Wizards is not afraid to print an ability on a Mythic whose activation could get you blown out.

Thanks for reading. Join me for more previews next week!
CML

@CMLisawesome