Ode to Tinder

“It’s a Match!
-Send Message
-Keep Playing”

I always keep playing. Welcome to Tinder, the interactive “Hot or Not” game where acceptably attractive locals occasionally interrupt your day with mundane conversation. Tinder: train your stereotyping in minutes a day. Tinder: where something better is surely out there.

For the unacquainted, Tinder is a multiplayer filtering exercise wherein one attempts to eliminate from contention potential matches in the dating pool as ruthlessly and efficiently as possible.

Phase 1: The Photo

Your goal here is to train your mental algorithm to reject candidates mechanically and without error. You’re the motherfucking Henry Ford of the dating: the more optimized your assembly line, the higher your profits. Humans are a commodity, act accordingly. Here are some tips to jumpstart your own algorithm.

Rule 1: Isolate or bye-solate

Have they chosen a photo that leaves them with an ambiguous identity? Is your match not competent enough to recognize the function of a dating site photo? Chances are, they don’t legally possess the mental faculty to grant consent, even while sober. Avoiding sexual assault allegations starts with you, and it starts by swiping left.

Rule 2: Bot recognition

Does their pic seem too good to be true? Can you count the bumps on her areola? Is there a URL in the photo? Courting a robot only ends in heartbreak. There are other (living) fish in the sea.

Rule 3: It’s me or the dog

Rule 4: The Duckface

I downloaded the wrong picture from my phone, so you get this instead.

Rule 5: Gender-Bender

Occasionally a user will register as the wrong gender. If they can’t properly navigate a registration form, chances are they can’t hold their own while you attempt to verbally navigate the intricacies of financial reform. I’m not saying you shouldn’t swipe right, but should you do so, you’ll find that Hector can only service you as a physical, not intellectual, sparring partner.

Rule 6: What’s in a name?

Okay, this was a little misleading. I love the name. This was actually a test for you all. Take a second. Have you figured it out?

Here we stand in clear violation of Rule 1. I don’t actually know which one the account holder is. I’m looking for a date with Doritos, not with Chris Hansen.

 

 

Join us next week, when we discuss Phase 2: Texting, Breeding Between the Lines

The cat’s out of the bag. Earlier this week I shared my time-tested technique: the crock pot opener.

Ever since then my inbox has been flooded with requests from admiring bros and ladybros looking for a leg up on the competition in the OkCupid meat market. I hear your cries. You’re saying, “Jason, I don’t want just another copypasta. Take me under your wing. How can I be single like you?”

Just follow these seven easy tips.

Attack Typos with Reckless Abandon

So you’ve found an attractive profile and open with your best anus-related anecdote.

The response is promising, but we have a situation on our hands.

This is a test. Her typo is a hulking elephant in the room. Do you let it slide as an innocuous mistake? No, this is your chance to assert your dominance. You’re not some txt-typing plebeian, you’re a suburb-educated hunk who’s read through dozens of Sparknotes book summaries and scored a 590 on the SAT Language test. Drop some knowledge on this broad!

Bagged and tagged. Take out another line of credit, it’s time to shop for engagement rings.

Ignore Borewhores

After days of tumbleweeds, it finally happens. Your inbox lights up pink!

Hmmph.

I should say something to this girl right?

You rack your brain. Her profile looks like it won a “bland cliché” contest, but she has a pulse and you’re running low on Purell moisturizer. You think for another ten minutes. “Uh… what kind of comedy do you like?”

You feel creatively and conversationally bankrupt. And in my case, you’re wishing this were all just hypothetical.

Complain about Borewhores

Sure, you’re not responding to them anymore, but you can still get mileage out of those boring messages. Ladies ignore boring messages all the time and now, so do you! Play that empathy card son! Clinton-up and tell them you feel their pain.

Boom, instant sexting. And she started it! Take this opportunity to tell her about your sex burrito fetish. Send her pics of your sleeping bag and bucket of hot sauce. You’re in!

The Friends-With-Benefits Gambit

I know, sometimes you get tricked. The girl uses the Myspace angle on her personality and looks temporarily appealing. Sooner or later her boring personality comes bubbling to the surface mid-conversation.

I grew tired of these questions by the second day of college orientation, and it’s particularly inexcusable on OkCupid where you can just look to my profile for likely answers.

So what do you do?

Proposition her! Tell her you’re just looking for casual sex. It’s a win-win really. In the biz we call it “value”.

You weren’t going to keep talking to her anyways, so go for broke and gamble for some no-strings-attached hanky panky.

It’s a win for her too! She’s not getting faded on by a hottie anymore, she’s getting skeeved out by some shallow creepster. It’s not her, it’s you!

Worst case, you get chlamydia.

Don’t Upgrage to Dinner

Finally, you’ve found a promising victim. She’s a ridiculously curvaceous German blonde and she’s buying what you’re selling. You offer to take her out to drinks next week.

She’s an aggressive one. She could use a break from studying, and wants to meet. This week, not next week. For dinner, not drinks. Feisty!

She suggests an expensive restaurant in her town and the date is set. You meet her at the restaurant and the conversation flows wonderfully. The check comes and she sticks you with the whole bill. But dinner was her idea!

You move on to drinks at a nearby bar, and she keeps her wallet tucked away. She ducks your kiss at the end of the night.

Maybe she was just hungry. Those curves don’t feed themselves.

Picking Up Dropped Balls: The Five Week Rule

So you hit it off with a with a cute local, but there’s one problem. She’s in Paris on business and won’t be in town for another week and a half. She’ll drop you a line when she gets back. Two weeks pass and she’s nowhere to be seen.

How long do you wait? If you message too quickly, you’re that clinger who won’t leave her alone. Wait too long and it smacks of desperation. Were you just digging up all your old message chains?

Leave the uncertainty behind! Wait 35 days and strike when she’s most vulnerable.

Missing Beard Compensation

You can’t grow a beard. Well, you can, but for some reason the hair doesn’t connect from your sideburns to your chin. It goes to your moustache.

Genetics may have failed you, but it’s nothing you can’t make up for with a little accessorizing.

“Nobody cared who I was before I put on the ears.”

The cat ears are more than an accessory, they’re a lifestyle choice. And like any alternative lifestyle, it comes with its share of difficult choices.

 

Related Posts:
OkCupid: Blind Dates and Delays
The OkCupid Experience: Dating Abroad After Divorce