by: Jason Waddell
So it turns out I’m not terribly consistent with the rate at which I write articles, so here’s a third in two weeks. It takes inspiration from our “Debate Topics” forum thread. Let me know if you like the format, there’s plenty more to cover!
by: Jason Waddell
It’s that time again. The quarterly review, where I evaluate cards I’ve never ever played with. You should read it.
“It’s a Match!
-Send Message
-Keep Playing”
I always keep playing. Welcome to Tinder, the interactive “Hot or Not” game where acceptably attractive locals occasionally interrupt your day with mundane conversation. Tinder: train your stereotyping in minutes a day. Tinder: where something better is surely out there.
For the unacquainted, Tinder is a multiplayer filtering exercise wherein one attempts to eliminate from contention potential matches in the dating pool as ruthlessly and efficiently as possible.
Your goal here is to train your mental algorithm to reject candidates mechanically and without error. You’re the motherfucking Henry Ford of the dating: the more optimized your assembly line, the higher your profits. Humans are a commodity, act accordingly. Here are some tips to jumpstart your own algorithm.
Rule 1: Isolate or bye-solate
Have they chosen a photo that leaves them with an ambiguous identity? Is your match not competent enough to recognize the function of a dating site photo? Chances are, they don’t legally possess the mental faculty to grant consent, even while sober. Avoiding sexual assault allegations starts with you, and it starts by swiping left.
Rule 2: Bot recognition
Does their pic seem too good to be true? Can you count the bumps on her areola? Is there a URL in the photo? Courting a robot only ends in heartbreak. There are other (living) fish in the sea.
Rule 3: It’s me or the dog
Rule 4: The Duckface
I downloaded the wrong picture from my phone, so you get this instead.
Rule 5: Gender-Bender
Occasionally a user will register as the wrong gender. If they can’t properly navigate a registration form, chances are they can’t hold their own while you attempt to verbally navigate the intricacies of financial reform. I’m not saying you shouldn’t swipe right, but should you do so, you’ll find that Hector can only service you as a physical, not intellectual, sparring partner.
Rule 6: What’s in a name?
Okay, this was a little misleading. I love the name. This was actually a test for you all. Take a second. Have you figured it out?
Here we stand in clear violation of Rule 1. I don’t actually know which one the account holder is. I’m looking for a date with Doritos, not with Chris Hansen.
Join us next week, when we discuss Phase 2: Texting, Breeding Between the Lines
by: Jason Waddell
Have you been anxiously awaiting the sequel to the critically acclaimed ‘Lifegain: Part One’? Wait no more. This week, Jason takes the George R.R. Martin approach to release schedules with ‘Lifegain: Part 2‘, soon to be featured as an HBO miniseries, starring:
Woody Harrelson as Andy Cooperfauss
Aziz Ansari as Usman Jamil
Felicia Day as Thea Steele
John Kruk as Christopher Morris-Lent
Alan Rickman as The Hivemind
Danny Pudi as Jason Waddell
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