Ode to Tinder

“It’s a Match!
-Send Message
-Keep Playing”

I always keep playing. Welcome to Tinder, the interactive “Hot or Not” game where acceptably attractive locals occasionally interrupt your day with mundane conversation. Tinder: train your stereotyping in minutes a day. Tinder: where something better is surely out there.

For the unacquainted, Tinder is a multiplayer filtering exercise wherein one attempts to eliminate from contention potential matches in the dating pool as ruthlessly and efficiently as possible.

Phase 1: The Photo

Your goal here is to train your mental algorithm to reject candidates mechanically and without error. You’re the motherfucking Henry Ford of the dating: the more optimized your assembly line, the higher your profits. Humans are a commodity, act accordingly. Here are some tips to jumpstart your own algorithm.

Rule 1: Isolate or bye-solate

Have they chosen a photo that leaves them with an ambiguous identity? Is your match not competent enough to recognize the function of a dating site photo? Chances are, they don’t legally possess the mental faculty to grant consent, even while sober. Avoiding sexual assault allegations starts with you, and it starts by swiping left.

Rule 2: Bot recognition

Does their pic seem too good to be true? Can you count the bumps on her areola? Is there a URL in the photo? Courting a robot only ends in heartbreak. There are other (living) fish in the sea.

Rule 3: It’s me or the dog

Rule 4: The Duckface

I downloaded the wrong picture from my phone, so you get this instead.

Rule 5: Gender-Bender

Occasionally a user will register as the wrong gender. If they can’t properly navigate a registration form, chances are they can’t hold their own while you attempt to verbally navigate the intricacies of financial reform. I’m not saying you shouldn’t swipe right, but should you do so, you’ll find that Hector can only service you as a physical, not intellectual, sparring partner.

Rule 6: What’s in a name?

Okay, this was a little misleading. I love the name. This was actually a test for you all. Take a second. Have you figured it out?

Here we stand in clear violation of Rule 1. I don’t actually know which one the account holder is. I’m looking for a date with Doritos, not with Chris Hansen.

Join us next week, when we discuss Phase 2: Texting, Breeding Between the Lines